Completely Personal, Not Design-Related

Okay, I will get right to the punch here. I'm exhausted. No, let me put it another way. I'm tired of saying how exhausted I am.

I have done and seen a lot in my short little life. I have experienced whole life upheavals, moved across the world and back again, seen human suffering and extreme poverty close-up, said good-bye to loved ones, had a broken heart, etc. And, I think I can honestly say that these past few years of my life have been even more challenging than any of these experiences.

What? You say disbelievingly. Aren't you in love? Aren't you pursuing your dreams? You have cool friends. A great place to live. You are close to your family. HELLO?

I know, I know. But, the thing is, I am too tired to enjoy any of it. I'm just tired. I am tired all the time. I've never felt anything like this. It's like watching this great life with a huge cataract of exaustion over it. There is always this gentle haze or veil over everything. This looming other that takes over my life and that I always have to account for and plan around. Well, I could go out with my friends, but then who would watch my exhaustion. Dinner with my parents? Well, I hope my exhaustion can go. Sean and I can hang out, but only after I spend the day with exhaustion.

I don't know how much longer I can do this to myself! My mind and body are spent.

I feel myself putting people at a distance because I know that all I am going to want to talk about is how stressed and tired I am. Unless, I've built up years of credit, this is just lame. There are only the select few in my life right now who know the previous less tired version of myself. But, it's hard to talk to them too. Through the lens of my current life, these other lifetimes were amazing and exhaustion-free. I had no idea how great I had it. And, I want to plead with the people who have just met me in the past few years and say, "I swear this isn't who I am! I value balance. I take long walks. I journal. I have long phone conversations with the people I love. The people in my life ARE my life."

But, see, I am not living these values that are so core to me. So, how can I claim that these things are who I am? Who I am right now is a workaholic. A very tired workaholic. One of those who could possibly be the main character on a Hallmark channel spin-off of It's a Wonderful Life. The person who needs an epiphany because she gets angry at teenagers in love on the El at 10:30 at night because she has been up since 6:15 working all day. (Violins, anyone?)

I feel like that old aunt who is painful to be around because she only wants to talk about the past and then complain about bunyons. Like that aunt, nobody wants to hear about my great past. Unlike that aunt, my big bunyon comes in the form of 45 hours of work a week, 8 hours of class, and 10-20 hours of homework every weekend. An impossible schedule that doesn't allow me time to do anything outside what is absolutely necesary to get done. Down-time, what's that?

I find myself saying things like, "if only I didn't have to hang out with my sister "or "well, I have to go to that party" or "oh my god, I haven't even noticed that I have dandruff and my hairdresser is using a snowblower to dry my hair." This really happened! I was too busy to notice I have embarrassing little white flakes! The ones from the commercials. The affliction that happens to other people, not me. How did I not realize that I needed to buy medicated Shampoo asap?

I didn't notice because I don't have time for the little things. In some ways, this has actually been beneficial. I don't obsess over calories anymore. I haven't spent hours obsessing over my stomach in the mirror since I enrolled in design school. This is something that used to weigh me down (literally) and now I scarcely think about it. Sophomore year of college, this would have been a release from a mental jail. I don't mind my body. I've actually come to like it because without it, I couldn't accomplish the creative work I do and I certainly couldn't maintain my schedule.

This schedule that will supposedly get me to my dream of being a designer.

And, isn't this what it is all about? I got to the point in my life, a few years ago, when I realized the best thing I can do for this world is share my talents. It took me a while to figure out what these talents were. But, now that I know, this is what I plan on doing-share my creativity with the world because not everyone is blessed with a creative mind. I'm not going to lie, I question the sacrifice I make every day to hopefully actualize a life as a designer. Was I actually cursed with a creative mind? Why can't I just sit at a desk and make more money than I do now and go home at the end of the day? Maybe this is a better fit for me? I obsess over whether I am making the right decision. But, I know that I am destined to live a life less ordinary for the rest of my life. I am the person who goes by the motto, "live every day to the fullest." While I sacrifice my sanity daily to make this happen, I can't picture another way to live right now. But, I sure as heck have a long loooooong list of things I am going to do when this madness is all over. (Sleep is very high on this list.) August 22, 2009, if any one would like to know. This highlighted day on my calendar is when I will obtain my degree for free from Harrington College of Design with which I can work in the design field for 4 years and then become a licenced Interior Designer. I know it's not the date that marks the end of the journey of hard work, but it will be the fork in the road that will lead me to my next exciting path.

Okay, so I guess this post did become design-related. Why didn't anyone ever tell me finding your passion and pursuing your dreams drives you to slight madness and consuming obsession? Who knew?